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John
Nolan |
With you all the way to your success...
ConfidenceYou do have the resources within you to become a person with confidence, and a happy and fulfilled human being so read here how to achieve it. “We are not at the mercy of events that
transpired in our childhood unless we believe we
are.”
People tend to broadly describe themselves as either self-confident or lacking in confidence. What makes the difference? The fact is that lack of confidence (usually arising from low self-esteem) isn’t natural, it’s learned behaviour. A newborn baby isn’t lacking in confidence, it expresses itself just as things occur, in a totally uninhibited way. Happy or sad, they don’t hold back! So what happens between then and the baby becoming an adult? For many people, somewhere on the journey things have changed. Somewhere that confidence and self-belief has been whittled away, leaving behind a disillusioned and unhappy person with low self-esteem, anxiety and even depression. These are people whose glass is always half empty, never half full. They like to stay with the familiar – what you might call their ‘comfort zone’ – because moving outside of it is challenging and frightening. They feel they will expose themselves so they don’t venture into the unknown. Each day is a battle; it doesn’t matter how many good things happen, if there’s one little negative thing – that’s what the person will remember and focus on. It doesn’t have to be anything major, just a comment, breaking a plate, having a bad journey – that’s all it takes to blot out the good things and spoil the whole day. They probably accept that this is ‘just the way they are’ - that’s their character and there’s nothing they can do to change it. But go back to the beginning. We were confident, uninhibited, expressive human beings, and the good news is – we can learn to be like that again! If you can recognise yourself you may already be feeling uncomfortable. You know that you want more from life; you envy people who are out-going; you’d love to walk into a room and be able to speak to strangers; you want to expand your life and do many new things. But the question is - HOW? Well, clearly there’s something blocking you from moving forward - fear of the outcome, not knowing how to do things, feeling bad about yourself, your looks, your abilities, whatever. Developing confidence requires you to be re-educated, perhaps to learn different ways of doing things or different ways of looking at things and to re-discover the real you underneath all of this. The uninhibited baby is still there, and when you’ve unlearned the beliefs about yourself that you’ve picked up (in error) along the way, you can learn to love the person you really are. You must begin by understanding that some of the messages you picked up were more about your interpretation of what was being said, than what the person saying it intended. Let me give you an example: When a mother scolds a child using a stern voice, maybe saying how naughty it was to do that, and perhaps even with a slap on the hand or leg, the child can easily receive that scolding as “mummy doesn’t love you any more because you’re not a good person”. The child isn’t sophisticated enough to understand the distinction between ‘the behaviour the child is displaying’ and ‘the child her/himself’. Multiply that by the number of scoldings – or even just the precautionary “No” when the child endangers her/himself, and the child may build up a picture of her/himself as an unworthy person to be liked or loved. That happens even with good parenting – when they really care and love you, and don’t forget that even good parents have bad days or get it wrong sometimes! But if you were the recipient of really bad parenting, that isn’t your fault. In fact, even adults can misinterpret in this way. When a friend or loved-one says something negative about our behaviour or is cross with us, we can feel it threatens our relationship with them. Again, we may see the comment as being about us as a person. But you see, just as you learned to understand the person you think you are, so you can unlearn it, increase confidence and create a more accurate picture that serves you better. While you may not recognise it just now, you do have the resources within you to become a confident, happy and fulfilled human being, and confidence coaching can provide the support, methods and techniques that will enable you to access them. Together with your coach you will be building your
confidence, finding different ways of doing things, gaining
more control over your life and be enabled to take life’s ups
and downs in your stride.
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© 2007-2010 John Nolan - Mindfulness Coach - Sheffield - UK